He Shall Open the Windows of Heaven

Often I wonder, "Why am I such an unprofitable servant to the Lord?" It's always bothered me. Those of you that know me know that I can't stand being indebted for anything. I don't like loans, and avoid them whenever possible. I don't like owing someone a favor, or an egg, or anything else that could be avoided by any other choice. But then I think of the Lord, and all I owe him. I try to "pay him back," and have no success.

Good morning world, how are you today? I think. Okay... How can I work to repay my debt to the Lord today? I know I need to pay my tithing, so I'll do that. I need to [teach/visit teach/sing in choir/whatever my current calling is]. I need to take care of my family, so I'll make dinner, and try to be more present for my husband and baby. And maybe I can invite a new ward member over for dinner?

Sounds like a basically good day, right? Lots to do, lots of people to bless, lots of hearts to cheer. So let's do this!

But by the time I can pay my tithing, I have discovered an extra $20 in my pocket. I fulfill my calling, but find that my [lesson] blesses me far more than anyone else. I try to be more present but immediately realize the incredible blessing I have in having a wonderful husband and precious baby to be present for. And I invite the new ward members over for dinner, only to be blessed by a loaf of homemade bread, and a dear new friend.

This is only a tiny example. The Lord promises us that as we obey him, he will "open you the windows of heaven, and pour you out a blessing, that there shall not be room enough to receive it" (Malachi 3:10). And that has been my experience over and over again. So many times it is even literal. He just pours blessings for me, and there is not room for them all.

Matthew 19:29 reads, "And every one that hath forsaken houses, or bretheren, or sisters, or father, or mother, or wife, or children, or lands, for my name's sake, shall receive an hundredfold, and shall inherit everlasting life."

This scripture greatly helped me during a difficult time in my life, when my family moved far from the home I love (high five if you get my reference!) partway into my first semester of high school. I felt a reassurance that the Lord would continue to bless me, and that as I had given up my friends and home for Him, that He would someday bless me an hundred fold, and give me everlasting life.

Another time comes to mind. A story I will probably share more fully in a future post, but I can sum it up here. I had just returned to school for my third semester, and realized that my financial aid had not come through. The school assured me that it would be in within 4-6 weeks, but I knew that I only had about $20 to get me through until then. I begged the Lord for help, and then chose to pay my tithing, even though I needed every penny I had. The first day of the semester came, and one friend came over with bags and bags of groceries for me (totally out of the blue), and my roommate came home with a big box of food, from "some guy" that asked her to give it to me (yes, she lied about not knowing him, yes, I figured out who it was by the end of the semester, but that is not what mattered). The tiny pantry shelves that were assigned to me were literally overflowing with food. I had enough and to spare. As a side note, my financial aid came in very quickly--I think it was by the end of that week.

When we sacrifice for and trust in the Lord, we are blessed beyond measure, and often more than we have room for. The moment may seem totally hopeless, we may feel lost and confused beyond saving, but he still will save. He still will bless us, and he still cares.

And I am coming to find peace in the fact that I can never pay him back. I continue to try to be somewhat worthy of the blessings that he so generously bestows, but I know that I will never really be worthy. And that's okay. He loves me anyway, and delights in blessing me. And he feels the same way about you.

Help Thou my Unbelief

In Mark 9 we read the story of a desperate father, pleading with the Lord to save his son. His son was possessed by an unclean spirit, and had been since he was "a child." This makes me wonder how old the boy was? Perhaps a young teenager? This spirit was constantly plaguing this poor family, throwing the boy in the fire or the water to kill him. I cannot imagine the stress as a mother! Trying every moment of every day to protect your son, who is no longer a tiny baby. However old he was, I am sure it was physically taxing as well, to constantly pull him out of trouble, and try to restrain him for his own safety. As a 2 year old, that would be really hard on either parent. If he were a teenager, it would have been nearly impossible, even for both parents!

This father had obviously heard of Jesus, and had come to find him (possibly even traveling a long way with his son), knowing that he could heal him, and thus bless the entire family. He met with the disciples, as Christ was not there at the time (he was on the Mount of Transfiguration), and, knowing that they also worked miracles, he asked them to heal his son. I'm sure that having heard of the miracles that had been performed, he felt like his long journey was finally at an end.

But the disciples could not heal him.

Amidst the chaos and (I'm sure) frustration that ensued, Christ arrived. People ran to him, and the father was among them. He begged our Savior to save his son. He told him the whole story--all that happened to his son, what the spirit did to him, the fact that the disciples couldn't heal him... I can only imagine the hope that this father felt, and yet the fear he probably had. When this is the very last hope you have in the world for your son, and the rest of your family, to every live a happy normal life, how do you not quake in fear that it won't work out?

"Jesus said unto him, If thou canst believe, all things are possible to him that believeth." (Mark 9:23)

"And straightway the father of the child cried out, and said with tears, Lord, I believe; help thou mine unbelief." (Mark 9:24)

The part that has always struck me in this story is the humility of this incredible father. He didn't hesitate, he "straightway" responded. He did believe. He didn't doubt his faith. As Jeffrey R. Holland said, "I am not asking you to pretend to faith you do not have. I am asking you to be true to the faith you do have."
https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2013/04/lord-i-believe?lang=eng

Then, this father followed up quickly by recognizing that his faith may not be enough. He knew it was there, but he did not know if it was enough.

Our wonderful, loving, faithful Savior cast out the evil spirit, and lifted the boy up, returning him to his father, whole, for the first time in a long time.

While I am still profoundly struck by the humility of this father, something else caught my attention this time. The Lord told him that if he could believe all things were possible. This man did believe, but still had unbelief. Jesus did not say, "Okay, you don't believe enough, but I'll let it go this time." He knew that it was possible according to this father's faith. We are also told that if we ask we can receive. I can only assume that, quietly, and without fanfare, or too much of an audience, the Lord did exactly as this man asked, and helped his unbelief.

All things are possible if I believe. But if I have any unbelief, but I want to believe fully, Jesus Christ can (and will) help me with that first! I simply have to ask.

So many times throughout my life I have questioned things. I have wondered if this gospel REALLY is true. I have wondered if Heavenly Father really loves ME. I have wondered if I can really make it back to Heavenly Father's presence, and if the Atonement is really enough for ME and MY sins. (Spoiler Alert: It is. He does. I can. It is.) I want to believe it. I want to be enough. But something in me (or an evil spirit, whispering in my ear) says I am not enough, and I can't do it. I can't believe enough.

Especially when my depression was at it's worst... I knew that I had a lot to live for. I knew that I have a wonderful family who loves me, and that I have promise and potential. Alas, in those dark, hellish moments, I didn't really believe it. But I did want to believe it.

And in that desire to believe, and that wanting to even want to live, the Savior was able to save me. My depression is far from behind me, but the worst seems to be past. And I didn't believe enough. I know I didn't. But I wanted to.

As I asked the Lord to help my unbelief, and to save my very life, he did. It wasn't a fast recovery. It wasn't an immediate help. I didn't feel better immediately, or I guarantee you my depression would be long over, and would have lasted about 5 minutes, rather than 5 years. But he helped my unbelief, and he saved me. He did all that and more for me, and I know he can and will for you too. You just need to want to believe, and ask for his help.