How Can I Give 100%?

There is something which I wish to share with you that has been on my mind a lot lately. I think I mainly need to get it off my chest, and written down where I can see it. I may not even post it once I see what it says, but it needs to be written one way or another.

Some of my very earliest memories include my deep desires to be a wife and a mother. I believe that these are integral parts of who I am, and that they were even before I got married, and before we finally got pregnant. Our mother Eve was named such because she was the "mother of all living" (Genesis 3:20). Interestingly enough, this was stated before she ever bore a child. Being a mother was already a part of her identity, as I believe, it is a part of every woman's identity.

As I grew up, I worked so hard to be ready for my sweet husband, whoever he was, and whenever it was right for him to come along. I prayed for him and I studied my scriptures, seeking for answers on how I could become better. I learned to cook and clean. I learned how to raise kids (okay, so I didn't do as much of the actual raising as I thought I did, but 5 younger siblings... you can't help but learn some things!), and how to balance a budget. I learned how to be wise in spending money, and how to do your research before making a purchase, looking for quality as well as a good price. I learned how to make do without, and how to re-purpose things to save money.

In addition to these things, I worked to cultivate my mind, to learn to think. I read a LOT. I was always trying to learn new things, and my curiosity was a blessing to me, although probably a trial to some other patient souls. :) By the time I was 12, I was pretty sure I could run a household, and my mother agreed with me. However, she warned me that I needed to work on my spiritual side, and learn how to emotionally support and care for a husband. That became my mission for the next many years.

To make a long story short, I got married at age 19, and thought I had things pretty well under control. Our marriage was wonderful, more than I had ever imagined it could be. Everyone warned me that the first year would be rough, but that really wasn't the case for us. At least not between us. Things were tight financially, and at times that was stressful. We also struggled as we tried to get pregnant to no avail. But our love never wavered, and we were simply increasingly grateful for each other. Michael worked, and I kept house. It was everything I had dreamed of. I loved decorating in my own way, finding my routines to keep the house sparkling, and seeing his face light up when he came home to a kiss and a hot dinner. It was perfect.

Eventually school started again, and we were both busy, but still managed to live a wonderful life together. I started a job as well (that I LOVED), and we were very happy. Still, however, we could not get pregnant. This resulted in a lot of tears, and a lot of prayers. We felt like it was our time to bring children into the world, but it just wasn't happening.

Finally, after 10 months of trying, and praying, begging and crying, I got a positive pregnancy test. We were so grateful! I believe that just as many prayers and tears have happened since, but now in gratitude.

I am trying to figure out how to word this next part without sounding ungrateful. So many that I love have gone through so much with infertility and horrible miscarriages. I feel their pain more than they know, but I know that I don't fully understand it. I do not compare my problems or pain with theirs.

However, this pregnancy has been one of the hardest things I have ever gone through. I had Mono in February, and was still recovering when we finally got pregnant in July. Due to this (as well as numerous health problems I have had my whole life), my body really doesn't enjoy carrying our precious cargo. I am currently 30 weeks along, 3/4 of the way through this pregnancy. I sit in bed as I type this, though it is late afternoon. Everyone told me that after the first trimester, my body would bounce back, and I would feel "amazing" during the second trimester. While the nausea did diminish (about halfway through the second trimester), I have stayed weak, and had a lot of trouble being out of bed.

Some days I am okay to be up a lot of the day, but the majority of the time I am in bed all or most of the day. I have only been able to attend Relief Society 1 1/2 times (yes, I had to leave halfway through) since getting pregnant. I am lucky if I can sit through Sacrament Meeting. When we come home, I tend to crash, falling into bed with no strength the rest of the day.

The biggest problem with this is not physical. It is so much more. Because of all of this, I have not been as good of a wife as I should have liked to be (although thankfully my sweetie disagrees). The house is rarely clean, laundry piles up, and dinner is usually Michael's job, though he is working from 4-7am (yes, AM!), and in school full time after that. On top of that, I don't always have the strength I need to support him emotionally, or the clarity of mind to discuss the things he wants to discuss.

I think a huge reason that I am finally getting going on this blog is because of these reasons. I feel like a failure as a wife and mother right now, though our son is not yet here, and my husband claims he is okay. I don't feel like I am doing enough, and yet when I try, I tend to cause more trouble, as Michael has to support me back into bed.

But I do not believe that this means I have no hope, no chance to be a good wife anymore! I do not believe that the Lord would be that heartless. I don't know how, because being the wife I always wanted to includes way more than my body can handle right now. But I am determined to start a journey of searching, and doing my best. I am determined to seek the Lord's guidance, and do everything I can to be the best wife I can be right now. Michael and I believe in giving each other 100% (there is a story behind that which I'll have to share sometime). This means 100% of what we have to give that day. These days, my 100% is significantly less than it used to be. But that is okay. I just need to trust in the Lord, and give everything I can give today.

This will be an interesting journey, to see what the Lord teaches me about what my 100% can be, even from bed. I share my story and my journey with you in hopes that anyone else feeling inadequate, feeling like their "100%" isn't enough, will be able to see that the enabling power of the Atonement can overcome any obstacle, and help us to be enough. Now let's see how! :)

P.S. Sorry for the length of this post! They will usually be much shorter, but you needed the background in order to understand what will follow.