Looking back, I realize how long it has been since I last posted. My heart is full as I write. So much has happened, and so much has changed.
Our sweet son was born on March 31, and is growing like crazy. My darling husband just got a job, and we are both working on school. As Christmas approaches, we are excitedly gift shopping, decorating our home, and sharing the joys of the season with our little angel. We are living life, smiling, and enjoying this beautiful time together. Life couldn't be more perfect.
Or so it may seem.
It amazes me how little people see. It makes me wonder how much I miss in other people's lives.
It is really hard for me to share this, but I think I need to. There is such a stigma, but... there shouldn't be, and I want to help remove it.
The birth of our little one was one of the most beautiful experiences of my life. I really mean that. I will have to write his birth story later for those of you interested, but for now, let's just say it was incredible!
The next 6 months or so, however... Not so much. It started with our little hiccup being unable to nurse. At all. I kept thinking he was latching on, but within seconds he was pulling away and screaming in frustration. I felt like the worst mom ever. I couldn't even feed my own son. After a day and a half of this, we finally had a lactation consultant come help. By this time Hiccup was too weak to do much. I had to pump a bit, and he was offered his first taste of colostrum on a spoon. After a few spoonfuls he gained enough strength to try to nurse again, and finally he was getting something--although it was very hard for him, and extremely painful for me.
I do not wish to detail the nightmare that the next months brought. If anyone reading this needs to feel understood in difficulties with nursing, please feel free to contact me. For the rest of you, let me just explain that we tried.
Hiccup had a tongue tie that was clipped not once, not twice, but THREE times. He is now terrified to let anyone try to see or feel anything in his mouth for fear of being hurt again. We dealt with thrush for 6 months. We dealt with his tongue and lip ties, as well as his extremely high palate. We worked with 4 lactation consultants, a doctor, an ENT, a speech therapist, a physical therapist, and a chiropractor. I spent hours and hours studying the problems for months. After about 3 months of absolute, tear wrenching, sobbing agony every time he nursed, I finally started pumping, but only during the day. I continued nursing all night (between 3 and 8 times a night). This gave me a bit of time to heal, but not enough. He was gaining weight really well, and was very healthy, but it was still not working for us.
When he was 4 months old, I gave in, and offered him some formula. I cried my eyes out while he drank his first few bottles. I felt I had failed as a mother. We continued nursing all night, but eventually I stopped pumping and started giving formula all day. This ended when Hiccup was 6 months old, and I ended up in the ER.
No, this was not because of nursing. Oh no, much more was going on. You see, between the agony of nursing, the sense of failure, the sleepless nights, and the physical and hormonal changes and pain I was going through, I developed a very bad case of clinical depression. Nearly every minute of every day was spend thinking of death, and wishing there were a way to make mine sooner without hurting my family too badly. I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep, I didn't want to be out of bed. I didn't want to be a wife, or a mother. I didn't even want to be.
I lost all of the weight from the pregnancy, and then another 15-20 lbs (I was on the low end of healthy to begin with). I started losing my hair by the handful, and... life was pretty bad. I was working with my doctor, and taking a tiny pill every day to "help me feel better." I was even working with a counselor, which seemed to be helping a bit, but not enough. Nothing was enough. My sweet husband had to stop working and stop school in order to be home and keep me alive. My wonderful mother had to have the three of us come stay for a week at a time over and over again, hoping to help, and ease some of my husband's burden. She even had to drop everything to come and help me a few times.
Finally, it all came to a head, and I was prompted to text a dear friend of mine about my discouragement with nursing (which obviously was only the tip of the iceberg). She had a prompting that something more was wrong, and without hesitating, drove directly to my house. We sat on the couch for a few hours as I cried and told her what was going on. By the end of this Heaven-sent visit, we had a bit of a plan. I was going to stop nursing entirely, as it was taking too much out of me physically and emotionally. I was also going to talk to my doctor about getting a different prescription, as this one wasn't cutting it.
After I left, I texted my doctor, who insisted that I go directly to the ER (it was a Saturday). I thought he was overreacting. Little did I know. They very nearly hospitalized me that night, but agreed to let me go home if my mom and sister could come help for the next few days.
This was the start of my healing. Sadly, it was also the start of the worst of my depression and anxiety. The next day I met with my counselor, and with an NP who specialized in mental health. It was a busy day, and caused a lot of stress. While the NP was very helpful, he didn't have any solutions for NOW. This meant that I left the appointment with him telling me that he thought I would be doing a lot better in a few months.
After that appointment I determined to kill myself that night.
There was not enough hope. Feeling better in a "few months" is all well and good, but I knew I didn't have the emotional stamina to make it that long. I no longer wanted to live, and no one had given me any immediate help.
The fact that I survived that night is a miracle. Honestly, looking back, I'm not even sure how it happened. The Lord prompted my sweetheart to say and do certain things, and it ended in me telling him my plan, and begging the Lord for help.
I don't even know how to explain the couple of months that have followed that experience. I went through a lot, dropping off of one medication and starting on another, slowly increasing it until it finally seemed to help. I took a few medications that I seriously regretted, and finally found one that works for me. I have worked with my counselor weekly, and we finally feel that things are a lot better. We are planning to meet another time or two, but when Christmas break comes, our visits will end.
This was NOT an easy journey. All of it. Not just the mental health aspect. I truly feel that I have walked through hell in the past months, but I finally feel hope, and that things are getting better. My moods are evening, my baby is finally sleeping more (I swore I would never sleep train, but, again, please ask if you want details. The Lord has taught me a lot), I am finally sleeping more, my medication is working pretty well, my weight is coming back, and I am not as terrified to drive or be around people anymore! My sweetheart got a job that he is enjoying, and I am actually enjoying and utilizing the time with just me and our hiccup. The house is in better order, we are actually getting food, and I smile a lot of the time. I actually am enjoying my sweet little one, finally!
I recognize that this post is mostly catch-up, and that it may not seem to have much of a purpose, but I guess I just want you to know that there is always hope. Always. Whether your problem is lack of sleep, hoping for a baby (I've been there too), dealing with agonizing pain, poor health, mental illness, or whatever it may be. There is always hope through the Lord. He understands you perfectly. And you may be surprised to learn how many other people also understand you, and have walked a similar path. Don't be afraid to reach out for help. There is always hope.
Saturday, December 12, 2015
Thursday, March 19, 2015
The Magnificence of Consistency
I recently read a talk by Elder David A. Bednar entitled More Diligent and Concerned at Home. It is a wonderful talk, and I highly recommend you read or watch the whole thing!
Perhaps my favorite part, however, is in the last bit of his talk, when he talks about being consistent. He speaks of many discouraging Family Home Evenings, scripture studies, and prayers, when he and his wife despaired that their children were so busy arguing that they weren't learning anything from the experience. He informs us, however, that what they discovered was that what was most important was the consistency.
He told about a painting of a wheat field that hangs in his office. He says that up close, it looks like a bunch of random brush strokes--nothing pretty or special about it. But as you move back, you can see the bigger picture, and it forms a beautiful painting.
He then ties together his analogy; "Each family prayer, each episode of family scripture study, and each family home evening is a brushstroke on the canvas of our souls. No one event may appear to be very impressive or memorable. But just as the yellow and gold and brown strokes of paint complement each other and produce an impressive masterpiece, so our consistency in doing seemingly small things can lead to significant spiritual results."
This has given me great comfort lately. It is true that there are a lot of things I can't do from bed. It is true that the things I can do for my family seem small and insignificant. But it is comforting to me to know that the Lord is the Master Artist. I can't see what he is doing with my life, but he knows. And someday, perhaps I will get the blessing of stepping back, and being able to see the beautiful masterpiece that the Lord has been making of this chapter of my life. Each brushstroke may seem small, haphazard, and even ugly next to the other strokes. But as I consistently work to do my best for my family, and as I trust in the enabling power of the Atonement, I have faith that someday, every stroke will make up a glorious painting by the touch of the Master's hand.
https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2009/10/more-diligent-and-concerned-at-home?lang=eng
Image retrieved from https://www.lds.org/media-library/images/wheat-field-901719?lang=eng&category=
Perhaps my favorite part, however, is in the last bit of his talk, when he talks about being consistent. He speaks of many discouraging Family Home Evenings, scripture studies, and prayers, when he and his wife despaired that their children were so busy arguing that they weren't learning anything from the experience. He informs us, however, that what they discovered was that what was most important was the consistency.
He told about a painting of a wheat field that hangs in his office. He says that up close, it looks like a bunch of random brush strokes--nothing pretty or special about it. But as you move back, you can see the bigger picture, and it forms a beautiful painting.
He then ties together his analogy; "Each family prayer, each episode of family scripture study, and each family home evening is a brushstroke on the canvas of our souls. No one event may appear to be very impressive or memorable. But just as the yellow and gold and brown strokes of paint complement each other and produce an impressive masterpiece, so our consistency in doing seemingly small things can lead to significant spiritual results."
This has given me great comfort lately. It is true that there are a lot of things I can't do from bed. It is true that the things I can do for my family seem small and insignificant. But it is comforting to me to know that the Lord is the Master Artist. I can't see what he is doing with my life, but he knows. And someday, perhaps I will get the blessing of stepping back, and being able to see the beautiful masterpiece that the Lord has been making of this chapter of my life. Each brushstroke may seem small, haphazard, and even ugly next to the other strokes. But as I consistently work to do my best for my family, and as I trust in the enabling power of the Atonement, I have faith that someday, every stroke will make up a glorious painting by the touch of the Master's hand.
https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2009/10/more-diligent-and-concerned-at-home?lang=eng
Image retrieved from https://www.lds.org/media-library/images/wheat-field-901719?lang=eng&category=
Wednesday, March 4, 2015
Am I Really Enough?
We've
all wondered that at some point. Let me tell you, you are not alone.
Yesterday I was reading a wonderful talk by Linda S. Reeves (Second Counselor in the Relief Society General Presidency) for a class I am taking. It is entitled Protection from Pornography - a Christ-Focused Home. If you haven't seen or read it, you really should. It is full of wonderful insights and ideas.
Anyway, there was one main part that stood out to me, nearly causing me to weep.
"Some of you have heard me
tell how overwhelmed my husband, Mel, and I felt as the parents of four young
children. As we faced the challenges of parenting and keeping up with the
demands of life, we were desperate for help. We prayed and pleaded to know what
to do. The answer that came was clear: “It is OK if the house is a mess and the
children are still in their pajamas and some responsibilities are left undone.
The only things that really need to be accomplished in the home are daily
scripture study and prayer and weekly family home evening.”
I cannot even begin to express
to you the overwhelming relief I felt at this statement. I don't even have kids to be keeping up with yet, and I am
very aware that as of yet, I know very little of the "demands of
life." While I do feel the burden I carry, certainly, I know that it is
quite light compared to the burdens of many other people. For me, the
challenges lie in getting the house in order, caring for my sweetheart, doing
homework, and even getting myself out of bed, and into something other than my
pajamas. These are small things, and yet I feel great if I have accomplished
them all by the end of a day. Sadly, the days are few and far between that all
(or any) of these things get done, much less any deep-cleaning of the house,
last minute preparations for this little one (what do you mean we are due in
less than five weeks!?), or any of my other projects.
Because
of this, I found great hope in her statement, and the things that the Spirit
taught her and her husband that day. It really is OK if you don't accomplish
everything that you needed to. It truly is not the end of the world. What
matters most is daily scripture study and prayer, and weekly family home
evening. These are doable things! It has always been easy for me to feel like
these things are "just one more thing" to add to my never-ending
to-do list. It is
relieving to see that these
things can BE my to-do list. At least in the "Must Do" column.
It
reminds me of the beautiful story of Mary and Martha, found in Luke 10. Martha,
being
the incredible woman that she was, invited the Savior into her home, and busied herself making him comfortable. She worked hard to this end, and was discouraged by her sister who simply sat at Jesus' feet, and listened to him. Martha, still trying to accomplish the things that she saw as making her a good woman (hm... similar to my thoughts of what make me a good wife. Intriguing. I never thought of that.), asked the Savior to bid Mary to help her. The Savior responded with love and respect, honoring her efforts, but still giving her a gentle reminder.
the incredible woman that she was, invited the Savior into her home, and busied herself making him comfortable. She worked hard to this end, and was discouraged by her sister who simply sat at Jesus' feet, and listened to him. Martha, still trying to accomplish the things that she saw as making her a good woman (hm... similar to my thoughts of what make me a good wife. Intriguing. I never thought of that.), asked the Savior to bid Mary to help her. The Savior responded with love and respect, honoring her efforts, but still giving her a gentle reminder.
"And
Jesus answered and said unto her, Martha, Martha, thou art careful and
troubled about many things: But one thing is needful: and Mary
hath chosen that good part, which shall not be taken away from her." (Luke 10:41-42)
There are many things in our
lives that trouble us, and things that need to be done--even very good,
honorable things. But "one thing
is needful" (italics added), and that is to turn to the Savior, and focus
on him. Everything else can fall by the wayside if it must.
As I turn to the Savior, trusting in him, and focusing on the "one thing" that is needful, I am really enough. And so are you.
https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2014/04/protection-from-pornography-a-christ-focused-home?lang=eng#watch=video
Mary and Martha, by Del Parson (62527); GAK 219; Luke 10:38–42
Monday, February 23, 2015
Blind Devotion
I've had a number of friends share a new 10 minute video on Facebook lately, but it wasn't until this morning that I bothered to watch it. It really touched me, and I wanted to share it with you guys. It is a Jubilee Project short film, titled, Blind Devotion.
As I watched this, I was touched because I understood, to some degree, what both of them are going through. It was especially comforting (terrible though it sounds) to see another wife going through the pain of not being able to do the things that she had always done for her husband. The things that she felt showed him her love.
While this is a very painful position to be in, it is always nice to know that we are not alone. And even if we really are in a position where no one else could understand, our Savior does. He walked in our shoes, he knows our pain, and he has felt our sorrow. "All these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy own good. The Son of Man hath descended below them all. Art thou greater than he?" (Doctrine and Covenants 122:7-8)
I also loved seeing the way that her sweet husband worked to help her, without taking her independence from her. He lifted and served her, while still allowing her to grow, and relearn the things that she could. He wished that he could just take her burdens, but he chose not to, for her sake. This gives me a great deal of hope, for two reasons. Firstly, I always feel terribly when my sweetie has to do so much for me. When I can't do it, and he has no choice but to step up and shoulder my responsibilities as well as his own. Sometimes I worry like the woman in the video that I am becoming his patient rather than his partner. But he always serves me with a smile, reminds me that he knew that I had a lot of health problems when he married me, and that he still chose me, and that he loves me and wishes to serve me. Watching this video helped me to maybe believe all of that a little bit more. You can see the earnest desire that this sweet husband has to help his wife, and that he does not see her as a burden, but the love of his life.
The other reason I find hope in this is because of the things that she learned to do. She found ways around her limitations, and so can I. There is a lot that I can still do for my husband, even when I have low energy, even when I can't do much. If nothing else, I can support and love him, and I can pray for him. I can do everything I can to work on our relationship, and not just on the state of the house, or whether his coworkers will know that I love him because his whites are white.
I think that is central. It is most important to remember the ways that I love, support, and care for my husband emotionally and spiritually. While I wish I could do more for him physically, in this temporal world, I need to accept when I can't make his lunches, or do his laundry, and focus on the things I can do for him.
How can I better lift and encourage my husband, even when I can't get up for the day? How can I trust in the Lord more, and remember that Jesus Christ understands me perfectly? How can I trust the Lord to teach me how to love my husband better?
As I watched this, I was touched because I understood, to some degree, what both of them are going through. It was especially comforting (terrible though it sounds) to see another wife going through the pain of not being able to do the things that she had always done for her husband. The things that she felt showed him her love.
While this is a very painful position to be in, it is always nice to know that we are not alone. And even if we really are in a position where no one else could understand, our Savior does. He walked in our shoes, he knows our pain, and he has felt our sorrow. "All these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy own good. The Son of Man hath descended below them all. Art thou greater than he?" (Doctrine and Covenants 122:7-8)
I also loved seeing the way that her sweet husband worked to help her, without taking her independence from her. He lifted and served her, while still allowing her to grow, and relearn the things that she could. He wished that he could just take her burdens, but he chose not to, for her sake. This gives me a great deal of hope, for two reasons. Firstly, I always feel terribly when my sweetie has to do so much for me. When I can't do it, and he has no choice but to step up and shoulder my responsibilities as well as his own. Sometimes I worry like the woman in the video that I am becoming his patient rather than his partner. But he always serves me with a smile, reminds me that he knew that I had a lot of health problems when he married me, and that he still chose me, and that he loves me and wishes to serve me. Watching this video helped me to maybe believe all of that a little bit more. You can see the earnest desire that this sweet husband has to help his wife, and that he does not see her as a burden, but the love of his life.
The other reason I find hope in this is because of the things that she learned to do. She found ways around her limitations, and so can I. There is a lot that I can still do for my husband, even when I have low energy, even when I can't do much. If nothing else, I can support and love him, and I can pray for him. I can do everything I can to work on our relationship, and not just on the state of the house, or whether his coworkers will know that I love him because his whites are white.
I think that is central. It is most important to remember the ways that I love, support, and care for my husband emotionally and spiritually. While I wish I could do more for him physically, in this temporal world, I need to accept when I can't make his lunches, or do his laundry, and focus on the things I can do for him.
How can I better lift and encourage my husband, even when I can't get up for the day? How can I trust in the Lord more, and remember that Jesus Christ understands me perfectly? How can I trust the Lord to teach me how to love my husband better?
Sunday, February 8, 2015
Trust in the Lord With All Thy Heart...
Today I want to share something that has been on my mind a lot these last few months. In April 2011, President Thomas S. Monson gave a talk entitled, Priesthood Power. While it was addressed to the men, the concept applies to all of us. This quote stood out to me; "I realize there are many reasons why you may be hesitating to take that step of getting married. If you are concerned about providing financially for a wife and family, may I assure you that there is no shame in a couple having to scrimp and save. It is generally during these challenging times that you will grow closer together as you learn to sacrifice and to make difficult decisions." He goes on to say, "Almost anything can be worked out if you are resourceful and if you are committed to making your marriage work."
Another talk that stood out to me was in the October 2011 Conference, this time given by Neil L. Andersen, entitled, Children. I will never forget the question, shared in his talk, and asked so clearly, "where is your faith?" He discusses the great blessing that children can bring, and talks about the fear that many people have of bearing children before they are done with their schooling, have a steady job, or whatever they are waiting on.
He told a story shared with him by Elder James O. Mason. Elder Mason and his wife had decided to wait to have kids until he had graduated from medical school. After seeing an article by Spencer W. Kimball, he went to the church office building and visited with the prophet. After listening to all of Elder Mason's reasons to wait to have children, President Kimball replied in a soft voice,"Brother Mason, would the Lord want you to break one of his important commandments in order for you to become a doctor? With the help of the Lord, you can have your family and still become a doctor. Where is your faith?"
These thoughts and questions have always stood out to me. Elder Andersen made certain to point out that the decision of when to have children, and how many are between a couple and the Lord, and that we should not judge each other. He also mentioned that there are many reasons that a couple may not have children, one of those being infertility. I want to make it very clear--I feel no judgement on this. I do not know your situation, nor is it any of my business. I do not say that it is always a lack of faith that keeps couples from having children. But for those who are postponing having children or getting married, and perhaps have felt the promptings of the spirit encouraging them to not be afraid, I would like to share my testimony.
Getting married in today's world was scary. Thankfully, I have the best guy ever by my side, which really helps! But things were very tight. It's a long story, but my sweetie and I got married, went on our honeymoon, and returned, ready to face the world. Monday morning he woke up bright and early and went to work, only to find that the seasonal work that they thought they would have for him until we headed back to school (about 3 months) had been finished sooner than they had expected. So he came home, a newly married man, trying to start his first day back in the real world, earning money and providing for his family, suddenly jobless. This was not an easy day for either of us, and we were both concerned. But the Lord provided, as he always does. By the end of that week, we had found a couple who was moving their home and business and needed help. We both worked for them, and were able to make enough to get by until we went back to school. We also made some wonderful friends!
Back at school we were able to find an apartment for over $100 less than anything else we had seen, and we were able to be the first to call, resulting in our cute little apartment. We were in a wonderful ward, I found a fantastic job, and Michael went to school full time. It wasn't exactly our ideal, but we got by, and we were very happy. Many other miracles happened during this time.
Jumping ahead to when we finally got pregnant... We had been worried about the finances, but knew that the Lord would provide ways for us to take care of each other and our sweet little one if he deemed it time for us to bring a child into the world. It was probably a blessing that it took 10 months to get pregnant, as things were really tight, but we trusted, and knew it would be okay.
We started feeling like it was time to move, and the Lord lined things up so we found a perfect new apartment for a good price, with two bedrooms. We moved in, and five days later found out that we were pregnant. Our good friends that we had helped move at the beginning of our marriage contacted us, and were moving again. Michael spent that month helping them move, and coming home on the weekends (a blessing, but way too lonely! We will never do that again!). I was still working, and we were between semesters, so it was ideal timing.
After Michael finished with that job, he finally came home, but we had extra money in savings. Sadly, I was only about 6 or 8 weeks along when we realized I would have to quit my job. The pregnancy had increased my back pain to a point that every evening after work, I could not move. I literally got stuck on the floor one night before Michael came home, because I was in so much pain. It got beyond bearing, and I ended up putting in my two weeks notice. Again, this was scary because we had no other job, we were both about to start school again, and now we had another mouth to feed on his way. But we trusted in the Lord.
The miracles that followed are too numerous to describe. Michael got a job, and we started looking for baby gear. We wanted to buy things when they were on sale, and spread it out over the pregnancy in order to save as much money as possible. A friend gave us a big garbage bag of maternity clothes, most of which fit me then, or fit me now. We found a great deal on a crib, and on some cloth diapers. We had many good friends step in with things they no longer were using--a crib mattress and crib set, a changing table/dresser, more cloth diapers, and a changing pad for the top of the dresser among other things. We also had some friends loan us a carseat and swing that they won't be using again for a few years. We have had friends bring in meals, groceries, etc., and other friends volunteer to come help clean. I am also a part of a giving group on Facebook where everyone sends anything they aren't using anymore, and can ask for things that other people are giving away. From this we have gotten a few articles of clothing, blankets, and towels for the baby, as well as a couple of maternity things for me. We have been so richly blessed!
We realized the other day that while there are certainly some more things we need/want for this baby, we could get by on what we have. This has especially been a blessing as I have been in bed so much. There is so little I feel like I can help with, and yet the Lord has still just shown us his great power. "Be still," he tells us, "and know that I am God." (Psalms 46:10)
I testify that as we trust in the Lord and move forward with faith, he will move mountains out of our paths, and give us whatever we need. Sometimes this is through giving us the strength to get up and accomplish it ourselves. Other times, as I am learning, he blesses us through earth angels, and expects us to learn to receive in humility and gratitude. But always, as we follow him, he will provide for and protect us.
I testify of these things in the name of Jesus Christ, amen.
https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2011/10/children?lang=eng
Children, Neil L. Andersen
https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2011/04/priesthood-power?lang=eng
Priesthood Power, Thomas S. Monson
Wednesday, January 28, 2015
How Can I Give 100%?
There is something which I wish to share with you that has been on my mind a lot lately. I think I mainly need to get it off my chest, and written down where I can see it. I may not even post it once I see what it says, but it needs to be written one way or another.
Some of my very earliest memories include my deep desires to be a wife and a mother. I believe that these are integral parts of who I am, and that they were even before I got married, and before we finally got pregnant. Our mother Eve was named such because she was the "mother of all living" (Genesis 3:20). Interestingly enough, this was stated before she ever bore a child. Being a mother was already a part of her identity, as I believe, it is a part of every woman's identity.
As I grew up, I worked so hard to be ready for my sweet husband, whoever he was, and whenever it was right for him to come along. I prayed for him and I studied my scriptures, seeking for answers on how I could become better. I learned to cook and clean. I learned how to raise kids (okay, so I didn't do as much of the actual raising as I thought I did, but 5 younger siblings... you can't help but learn some things!), and how to balance a budget. I learned how to be wise in spending money, and how to do your research before making a purchase, looking for quality as well as a good price. I learned how to make do without, and how to re-purpose things to save money.
In addition to these things, I worked to cultivate my mind, to learn to think. I read a LOT. I was always trying to learn new things, and my curiosity was a blessing to me, although probably a trial to some other patient souls. :) By the time I was 12, I was pretty sure I could run a household, and my mother agreed with me. However, she warned me that I needed to work on my spiritual side, and learn how to emotionally support and care for a husband. That became my mission for the next many years.
To make a long story short, I got married at age 19, and thought I had things pretty well under control. Our marriage was wonderful, more than I had ever imagined it could be. Everyone warned me that the first year would be rough, but that really wasn't the case for us. At least not between us. Things were tight financially, and at times that was stressful. We also struggled as we tried to get pregnant to no avail. But our love never wavered, and we were simply increasingly grateful for each other. Michael worked, and I kept house. It was everything I had dreamed of. I loved decorating in my own way, finding my routines to keep the house sparkling, and seeing his face light up when he came home to a kiss and a hot dinner. It was perfect.
Eventually school started again, and we were both busy, but still managed to live a wonderful life together. I started a job as well (that I LOVED), and we were very happy. Still, however, we could not get pregnant. This resulted in a lot of tears, and a lot of prayers. We felt like it was our time to bring children into the world, but it just wasn't happening.
Finally, after 10 months of trying, and praying, begging and crying, I got a positive pregnancy test. We were so grateful! I believe that just as many prayers and tears have happened since, but now in gratitude.
I am trying to figure out how to word this next part without sounding ungrateful. So many that I love have gone through so much with infertility and horrible miscarriages. I feel their pain more than they know, but I know that I don't fully understand it. I do not compare my problems or pain with theirs.
However, this pregnancy has been one of the hardest things I have ever gone through. I had Mono in February, and was still recovering when we finally got pregnant in July. Due to this (as well as numerous health problems I have had my whole life), my body really doesn't enjoy carrying our precious cargo. I am currently 30 weeks along, 3/4 of the way through this pregnancy. I sit in bed as I type this, though it is late afternoon. Everyone told me that after the first trimester, my body would bounce back, and I would feel "amazing" during the second trimester. While the nausea did diminish (about halfway through the second trimester), I have stayed weak, and had a lot of trouble being out of bed.
Some days I am okay to be up a lot of the day, but the majority of the time I am in bed all or most of the day. I have only been able to attend Relief Society 1 1/2 times (yes, I had to leave halfway through) since getting pregnant. I am lucky if I can sit through Sacrament Meeting. When we come home, I tend to crash, falling into bed with no strength the rest of the day.
The biggest problem with this is not physical. It is so much more. Because of all of this, I have not been as good of a wife as I should have liked to be (although thankfully my sweetie disagrees). The house is rarely clean, laundry piles up, and dinner is usually Michael's job, though he is working from 4-7am (yes, AM!), and in school full time after that. On top of that, I don't always have the strength I need to support him emotionally, or the clarity of mind to discuss the things he wants to discuss.
I think a huge reason that I am finally getting going on this blog is because of these reasons. I feel like a failure as a wife and mother right now, though our son is not yet here, and my husband claims he is okay. I don't feel like I am doing enough, and yet when I try, I tend to cause more trouble, as Michael has to support me back into bed.
But I do not believe that this means I have no hope, no chance to be a good wife anymore! I do not believe that the Lord would be that heartless. I don't know how, because being the wife I always wanted to includes way more than my body can handle right now. But I am determined to start a journey of searching, and doing my best. I am determined to seek the Lord's guidance, and do everything I can to be the best wife I can be right now. Michael and I believe in giving each other 100% (there is a story behind that which I'll have to share sometime). This means 100% of what we have to give that day. These days, my 100% is significantly less than it used to be. But that is okay. I just need to trust in the Lord, and give everything I can give today.
This will be an interesting journey, to see what the Lord teaches me about what my 100% can be, even from bed. I share my story and my journey with you in hopes that anyone else feeling inadequate, feeling like their "100%" isn't enough, will be able to see that the enabling power of the Atonement can overcome any obstacle, and help us to be enough. Now let's see how! :)
P.S. Sorry for the length of this post! They will usually be much shorter, but you needed the background in order to understand what will follow.
Some of my very earliest memories include my deep desires to be a wife and a mother. I believe that these are integral parts of who I am, and that they were even before I got married, and before we finally got pregnant. Our mother Eve was named such because she was the "mother of all living" (Genesis 3:20). Interestingly enough, this was stated before she ever bore a child. Being a mother was already a part of her identity, as I believe, it is a part of every woman's identity.
As I grew up, I worked so hard to be ready for my sweet husband, whoever he was, and whenever it was right for him to come along. I prayed for him and I studied my scriptures, seeking for answers on how I could become better. I learned to cook and clean. I learned how to raise kids (okay, so I didn't do as much of the actual raising as I thought I did, but 5 younger siblings... you can't help but learn some things!), and how to balance a budget. I learned how to be wise in spending money, and how to do your research before making a purchase, looking for quality as well as a good price. I learned how to make do without, and how to re-purpose things to save money.
In addition to these things, I worked to cultivate my mind, to learn to think. I read a LOT. I was always trying to learn new things, and my curiosity was a blessing to me, although probably a trial to some other patient souls. :) By the time I was 12, I was pretty sure I could run a household, and my mother agreed with me. However, she warned me that I needed to work on my spiritual side, and learn how to emotionally support and care for a husband. That became my mission for the next many years.
To make a long story short, I got married at age 19, and thought I had things pretty well under control. Our marriage was wonderful, more than I had ever imagined it could be. Everyone warned me that the first year would be rough, but that really wasn't the case for us. At least not between us. Things were tight financially, and at times that was stressful. We also struggled as we tried to get pregnant to no avail. But our love never wavered, and we were simply increasingly grateful for each other. Michael worked, and I kept house. It was everything I had dreamed of. I loved decorating in my own way, finding my routines to keep the house sparkling, and seeing his face light up when he came home to a kiss and a hot dinner. It was perfect.
Eventually school started again, and we were both busy, but still managed to live a wonderful life together. I started a job as well (that I LOVED), and we were very happy. Still, however, we could not get pregnant. This resulted in a lot of tears, and a lot of prayers. We felt like it was our time to bring children into the world, but it just wasn't happening.
Finally, after 10 months of trying, and praying, begging and crying, I got a positive pregnancy test. We were so grateful! I believe that just as many prayers and tears have happened since, but now in gratitude.
I am trying to figure out how to word this next part without sounding ungrateful. So many that I love have gone through so much with infertility and horrible miscarriages. I feel their pain more than they know, but I know that I don't fully understand it. I do not compare my problems or pain with theirs.
However, this pregnancy has been one of the hardest things I have ever gone through. I had Mono in February, and was still recovering when we finally got pregnant in July. Due to this (as well as numerous health problems I have had my whole life), my body really doesn't enjoy carrying our precious cargo. I am currently 30 weeks along, 3/4 of the way through this pregnancy. I sit in bed as I type this, though it is late afternoon. Everyone told me that after the first trimester, my body would bounce back, and I would feel "amazing" during the second trimester. While the nausea did diminish (about halfway through the second trimester), I have stayed weak, and had a lot of trouble being out of bed.
Some days I am okay to be up a lot of the day, but the majority of the time I am in bed all or most of the day. I have only been able to attend Relief Society 1 1/2 times (yes, I had to leave halfway through) since getting pregnant. I am lucky if I can sit through Sacrament Meeting. When we come home, I tend to crash, falling into bed with no strength the rest of the day.
The biggest problem with this is not physical. It is so much more. Because of all of this, I have not been as good of a wife as I should have liked to be (although thankfully my sweetie disagrees). The house is rarely clean, laundry piles up, and dinner is usually Michael's job, though he is working from 4-7am (yes, AM!), and in school full time after that. On top of that, I don't always have the strength I need to support him emotionally, or the clarity of mind to discuss the things he wants to discuss.
I think a huge reason that I am finally getting going on this blog is because of these reasons. I feel like a failure as a wife and mother right now, though our son is not yet here, and my husband claims he is okay. I don't feel like I am doing enough, and yet when I try, I tend to cause more trouble, as Michael has to support me back into bed.
But I do not believe that this means I have no hope, no chance to be a good wife anymore! I do not believe that the Lord would be that heartless. I don't know how, because being the wife I always wanted to includes way more than my body can handle right now. But I am determined to start a journey of searching, and doing my best. I am determined to seek the Lord's guidance, and do everything I can to be the best wife I can be right now. Michael and I believe in giving each other 100% (there is a story behind that which I'll have to share sometime). This means 100% of what we have to give that day. These days, my 100% is significantly less than it used to be. But that is okay. I just need to trust in the Lord, and give everything I can give today.
This will be an interesting journey, to see what the Lord teaches me about what my 100% can be, even from bed. I share my story and my journey with you in hopes that anyone else feeling inadequate, feeling like their "100%" isn't enough, will be able to see that the enabling power of the Atonement can overcome any obstacle, and help us to be enough. Now let's see how! :)
P.S. Sorry for the length of this post! They will usually be much shorter, but you needed the background in order to understand what will follow.
Welcome!
Welcome to the craziness of my brain! Here I wish to write the things of my soul, the things I think and feel, the things I learn and the things I believe.
Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Kendyl. I am a daughter of God. I am a ridiculously happy wife to my spectacular and loving best friend (aka Prince Charming, aka Mr. Right, aka Michael). We have been married for 1 year, 3 months, and 24 days. We are so much more in love than we ever dreamed we could be. We are expecting a little munchkin to join our family sometime this April. I am a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (a Mormon).
Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Kendyl. I am a daughter of God. I am a ridiculously happy wife to my spectacular and loving best friend (aka Prince Charming, aka Mr. Right, aka Michael). We have been married for 1 year, 3 months, and 24 days. We are so much more in love than we ever dreamed we could be. We are expecting a little munchkin to join our family sometime this April. I am a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (a Mormon).
I am a student at Brigham Young University-Idaho. I love spending time with my sweet husband, and find myself choosing to have butterflies around him, even after two years. I love the way he can still get my heart racing with a simple smile. I love learning, especially anything about natural healing, the human body, pregnancy and childbirth, and midwifery. I love reading, especially old, good books (my favorites include The Book of Mormon, The Magic Garden--not to be confused with The Secret Garden--and a new favorite, The Lamplighter). I love to make things, and enjoy cooking, cleaning (yes, I said it!), crocheting, knitting, homemaking, price shopping, organizing, and much more. I love dancing, and actually met my sweetheart at a dance. I love to sing and play the piano. I love the beauties of nature. And, as I have forgotten for many years, but am starting to recall, I love to write!
I am so excited to start this journey, and invite you to come along.
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