Friday, January 29, 2016

Catastrophe Turned Blessing

Every day, in a million tiny ways, we have the opportunity to be the Lord's hands in helping those around us. 

While I have heard that concept countless times, it has been on my mind a lot this week, following a beautiful experience that the Lord gave me through some incredible mothers I have the privilege to associate with. 

On Monday I went into Little Man's closet to grab another can of formula. I was shocked when I realized that it was the last. We have plenty of money budgeted for food each month, but because I had purchased a LOT of formula the month before, I somehow thought that I had enough to get me through to the end of the month. I was wrong. 

Immediately came the self-doubt and criticism. Immediately came the voice of the adversary, telling me I wasn't enough. 

We made a decision this month to start eating more healthy, but for anyone that knows me, you know that bothering to eat at all is usually not on my mind. So we deliberately splurged, going out and buying a lot of good, healthy food that was easy to prepare and sounded appealing to me, so that I would actually bother to eat it. Because of this, our food budget was gone for the month, but we knew it was plenty to get us through. But I forgot to check how much formula we had left...

 When I realized that we were out of formula, I immediately thought of this shopping trip, and all of the money we spent on food for us, and specifically food to cater to me. "I chose to feed myself over my son." The words echoed in my mind, torturing me, condemning me, and refusing to let me go. Of course this was ridiculous. I had thought of our son, and I did plan ahead. I was just wrong on my amounts. But, as we know, Satan uses whatever tools he can, and this one worked well. The next painful thought was that this would never have happened if I were only breastfeeding. As a lot of you know, I walked through hell for 6 months, trying to make breastfeeding work. We worked with at least 9 different health professionals, put baby through 3 tongue tie clippings, and spent countless hours praying and researching. We finally stopped trying the night I ended up in the ER for my depression. I had to choose between breastfeeding and living. But still, if ONLY I had "stuck to it," I would have not been in this position! I spent a lot of time sitting by the closet crying at what a terrible mother my poor baby had been cursed with. 

Eventually I got up, dried my eyes, and started thinking. There was enough formula to get us about 2.5-3 days. We needed about 6. I knew we had two gallons of milk in the fridge, and wondered how bad it would be to give Little Man 50/50 formula and milk for just a week. He is 10 months old. I knew it wasn't recommended until 12 months, but I wondered if a week could hurt. I also knew that if it really came down to it, I could pull money out of savings. Of course, that would hurt, but I would much rather drain some of our small savings than have our baby go hungry! Still, I hoped it could be avoided. 
In desperation, I reached out to some of the parenting groups I am in on facebook. All I wanted to know was if I could give my baby 50/50, or if there was something else I could add to make my own "formula." I deliberately didn't post in any local pages. I didn't want to worry any friends, and I wasn't looking for a handout. I simply wanted direction and answers. 

Over the next hours (and into the next days), my facebook exploded with love. There were so many ideas (talk to local bishop/food bank, call pediatrician for samples, do 50/50 milk and formula, etc.), and so many offers to mail out samples that they had. There were even a number of requests to know what formula we used so people could buy us some on Amazon and have it shipped. I sat with tears streaming down my face at all of the good in this world. 

These were mothers I had never met. People that I had never seen and never contacted. They didn't know me in any way, shape, or form. But they stepped up in love, and offered their help and friendship. 

Over the past few days I have received private messages informing me that samples and even full cans of formula are on their way. I even received one message making certain that my husband and I had food too. 

I am simply overwhelmed by the goodness and love that these people have shown me and my family. People from totally different walks of life, different stages, different parts of the world. People who don't know me. But they all stood up and made a difference. 

One of the moms on the group that had by far the most responses and help offered summed up the situation quite well, and with her permission, I quote, "This is why I love this group. In a "mommy wars" world, there's something so very touching and special about mamas coming together. We're meant to be this encouraging and supportive, and it's a beautiful, beautiful thing. Proud of you, mamas!!" 

Her words rang true to me, even outside of the world of parenting. I would like to add to what she said. In a world at war with itself and the adversary, there's something incredible about people coming together to take care of one another. And as she said, "We're meant to be this encouraging and supportive, and it's a beautiful, beautiful thing."

This is a huge part of what we are meant for! In Doctrine and Covenants 81:5 we are commanded, "Wherefore, be faithful; stand in the office which I have appointed unto you; succor the weak, lift up the hands which hang down, and strengthen the feeble knees."

I testify that as we do these things, we will have the privilege and blessing of being instruments in the hands of God. Even if something seems small, like sharing that formula sample in the back of your closet, you may be literally or figuratively saving a life. Don't be afraid to follow in the footsteps of our Savior, step up and make a difference. 



Saturday, January 16, 2016

Is It Enough to Know?

This is a question that we don't hear very often, but that I have pondered frequently.

It is not uncommon to hear someone say that they "know" something. Whether it is someone they know, a subject they are familiar with, or even just that they know that they should start exercising more.

In my church (the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints), we have a testimony meeting every month, and it is open for anyone to go up and testify of the truths they know pertaining to the gospel. We always hear that you, "know the church is true," and that you, "know Joseph Smith was a prophet." We know that you, "know that God loves us," and that Jesus Christ lives.

I, too, know these things to be true. I know that the church is true. I know that Joseph Smith was a prophet, and that he restored the same gospel and church that Christ revealed and formed while he was on this earth. I know that the Book of Mormon is true, and I am thankful for it's teachings. I know that Thomas S. Monson is God's prophet on earth today, and that he leads us to Christ. I know that families can be together forever through the sealing power available in holy temples, and I am so grateful to know that my family has been sealed. I know that our Heavenly Father loves us, and wants us to return to Him. I know many things, but most of all, I know that Jesus Christ lives. He lived to show us how. He suffered and died for us, and atoned for our sins so we can be worthy to live with Him again. And He LIVES AGAIN! He was resurrected that we too, may live again. I know that Jesus Christ lives. I testify of these things with all of my heart. I know them to be true.


But is that really enough?

Does it really matter that I know those things?

Does it really matter what you know?

Let me ask you a question. Does Satan know anything?

Does he, for example, know that God lives?

Does he know that God loves us?

Does he know that Jesus Christ atoned for us?

Does he know that our Savior lives again?

Of course he knows these things! He once lived with God! He knows the plan! He knows that God loves us! He knows what Christ did, and the significance of it! He knows it all!

So let me ask you again. Is it enough to know?

Obviously not.

What else has to be there?


A long time ago, I was taught about two very important virtues: sensitivity to truth, and love of truth. Sensitivity to truth is exactly as it says; being sensitive to and able to recognize truth. This is the "knowing" part, if you will. But I would like to propose that what is missing is love of truth.

While Satan is certainly sensitive to and aware of the truth, he does not love it. In fact, he hates it with a horrible, burning passion. This is how he has fallen, and this is what we must fight against if we desire to come back to our Father.

When you love someone, you want to spend time getting to know them, coming closer to them, and talking about everything. When you aren't together, you think of them, come up with new questions for them, and wish you were together. What if we loved truth in the same way? What if we loved the things we know? What if we wanted to understand truth better, come closer to it, and be in line with it? What if we sensed when it was missing, and mourned it's loss? What if we strove to find it again, and to keep it with us always?

When we apply this to the gospel, and the truth that we know and believe about the Lord, and about the people we must be to be closer to Him, strength comes. We are able to grow closer to God, and to the truths that He sends us through His prophets. We are able to become "that guy"/girl (as my husband puts it). That person you see when you think of who you want to be, the person that God intends for you to be.

Close your eyes, and picture your soul. Who is he/she? What does he/she look like? How do they carry themselves? What does their face tell you of who they are? Do they have joy? Wisdom? Confidence? This person is who you can become, and the person (or as close as we can imagine--obviously the Lord knows more than we do) that we must be in order to return to the presence of our Heavenly Father.

As we pursue truth and grow to love it, rather than to just be sensitive to it or know it, we will be able to grow closer to the Lord. We will not just know. We have learned that it is not enough to just know. Rather we will love truth. We will fight for it, search for it, pursue it, and RUN to meet it. And as we search, we will find.